'My boyfriend wants a threesome with my best friend' |
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Firstly, I apologise for the salacious headline. I know it might feel 'too much'; you might have winced when you read it. But there's a serious point contained, here – and I hope you'll indulge me for a moment while I reflect on it. This letter from a reader came in to the 'Dear Vix' agony aunt mailbox – it was longer and more detailed than it appears online – and it's stayed with me, ever since. It's made me think a lot about relationships and the ways in which women can fall into the trap of making themselves small when they're with a partner; the myriad ways we might shrink ourselves – our needs, our desires, our disappointments – because of the urge to 'keep the peace' at all costs. Why? Well, because all too often, it can be about survival. There's a reason a TikTok video asking women whether they'd rather be stuck in the forest with a man or a bear went viral last year, with over 2 million views. The letter itself was from a reader and survivor of a previous abusive relationship, who's now in a 'situationship' with a new man. They're not 'official', she was at pains to tell me – but her 'boyfriend' (for want of a better title) had dangled that commitment carrot in front of her; telling her he wanted her to meet his family and become part of his life, on one condition. That condition was that she negotiate a threesome for the pair of them – with her best friend. I know. I flinched, too. Not least when I read that she had tried to go through with it but then recoiled, entirely understandably, because of the flagrant crossing of boundaries. Since then, though, her partner has doubled down on his demands: a threesome or nothing. If she wants to keep him, she has to 'put out'. My heart breaks for her and for so many women like her. Is the bar for decent men really this low? When I look around at my friends (and myself) and see the scars we wear from previous relationships, I feel sorrow and awe, all at once. Women really are walking testaments to resilience. And while we're on this topic, I found myself binge-watching the reality documentary series Open House: The Great Sex Experiment on Channel 4, recently. What I observed was a worrying trend in these profiled heterosexual partnerships: one partner wants to 'open up' the relationship – usually the man, usually with a threesome – and his partner agrees to go along with it (even though it's clearly breaking her) because she fears she'll lose him if she doesn't. What I was left wondering, almost every time, is what she'd actually be 'losing' if she did? Relationship topics can be heavy, like this week, but they're forever fascinating. And every single one of us has a story. If you'd like to share yours, I'd love to hear it. You can email me on victoria.richards@independent.co.uk or (for more considered advice and possible publication) please do write to my alter-ego, 'Dear Vix', at dearvix@independent.co.uk. I'd love to include your comments and reflections in next week's newsletter – but rest assured, I'll only ever use your first name or a nickname of your choice. |
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How to join the new Independent Women Book Club! |
September is on the doorstep – and it's a high five from me for peak Gilmore Girls season – autumn leaves, blue skies and pumpkins, oh my! With that 'new term' feeling fast approaching, I felt it was time for something exciting. That's why I'm introducing something brand-new: The Independent Women Book Club! I already spend a great deal of time during the week messaging with beloved friends about the books we are reading – we share recommendations and synopses, beautiful covers and screenshots with key passages, underlined. When one of us finds a 'must-read', we all order it, or drop it off at each other's houses. If I stumble on something I know one of them will adore, I'll force it on them by ordering it to their letterbox (I know. What a reading bully). Last Christmas, I took part in this Independent round-up of our favourite books to give people as presents. What I'd love to do is to share some new recommended reads with you (and you may have seen me start doing that if you scroll down to the bottom of this newsletter, where there's a box telling you all what I'm reading this week). I'd really like this to be as interactive as possible, so I'm currently thinking up ways of doing that. But in the meantime, I'm going to suggest a book we can all devour in September – and I'd love as many of you as possible to join in! If you email me your reflections, scores and comments, I'll include those in a special section in this newsletter as the month goes by – and please do send me your own 'must-reads', so we can choose a new book for October. For September, I'm going to suggest Girlbeast, written by the Danish author and poet Cecilie Lind, translated by Hazel Evans. It's a reimagining of Nabokov's Lolita story, with an addictive and compelling plot. It promises to be daring, taboo and ask some vital questions about girlhood and female sexuality. It's also only 164 pages, so you can read on your commute! Will you join me? |
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More for Independent Women |
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Last week, I wrote about how – if you're caring for young children over the school summer holidays – this part can be hardest of all (we've not only run out of money, but ideas, too). I had this very interesting response from a reader: "Getting bored is healthy! I can't remember who said it, but you make your best friendships with the people you got bored with. Secondly, I've been thinking that maybe it's healthy for us adults to get bored, too, because then we'll truly be creative about what we choose to do with our time... isn't being content and happy whilst bored pretty much the definition of inner peace?" Nic I also wrote about the fears and hazards experienced uniquely by female runners – and had this great response from a male reader of this newsletter: "On the topic of feeling scared/vulnerable as a woman out and about – this sucks, agreed. My wife feels this too. But when we spoke about it with her sister in Australia, it was quite interesting and revealing. She said (and I quote): "What? Why would you feel scared? I can honestly say I've never felt scared walking around even in the middle of the night. I just put my hoodie up and get on with it." So, my question is: Do women vary how they feel depending on their individual experiences – or perhaps where they live?" I'd love to hear more of your views, comments and suggestions for this newsletter. Sometimes they can get lost – so please, do mark up your emails with 'Independent Women' in the subject when you send them to me at victoria.richards@independent.co.uk and I'll spot them! |
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I'm reading... The Dry Season: Finding Pleasure in a Year Without Sex by Melissa Febos. Oof, this is a fascinating one. My first thought, I have to admit, was: "Only a year?!" It didn't seem that big a deal to me....! But as you read, you realise that Melissa's candid memoir on celibacy takes in some real introspection into her reliance on relatiionships – and her account of reaching a very personal rock bottom. I'd LOVE to know what you think if you read this one... I'm hanging out at... The Lost Estate: Paradise under the stars. This immersive theatre experience in Earl's Court transports you to 1950s Havana, with the help of some excellent live Latin music, a lively retelling of Cuban myths and legends – and more than a few frozen daquiris. It was fun, silly and ended up with us doing the conga at four in the afternoon (a win, all round). Tickets are pretty pricey, but it's worth it for a special occasion or to really impress a date. It's only on until September, so if you fancy it, you'll need to be quick! Just to reiterate: none of the recommendations you see here are #ads or #gifted – and are purely based on what I'm enjoying. If that changes, I'll say so. |
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