The care and keeping of friends

Treat your relationships like plants. And know that everyone is nervous about new friendships. Yes, you actually need to socialize to be social.

Photo illustration by Will Lanzoni/CNN

The biggest relationship lie you've been told is that things just … happen. All of your friends live in the same apartment building, you'll always be tight with that group from high school, and the person of your dreams is just waiting to meet-cute with you on the sidewalk. Oh, and no one's ever busy. Lies, all lies! 

Setting out on your own or starting over can be a really lonely experience, and assuming everyone else just has it figured out and people automatically love them can make it feel even worse. The truth is, relationships are like houseplants. They all need love and care, but they make your life beautiful in return. (Except for, like, air plants. We all need a low-maintenance air-plant friend.)

Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and educator, gets this question all the time. Finding friends was tough for her, too, and she points out that being surrounded by people or always fitting in isn't the same as real friendship. Instead, she says you should focus on quality, not quantity. And be ready to actually put in work. 

"We say, 'Oh, my friends will be there when I need them,'" she said. "We push them to the margins of our lives, and we'll get to them when we have the time. But then when we are feeling lonely and disconnected, or out of touch, it's because you haven't been nurturing your friendships, because you see it as a luxury, instead of something essential."

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Yes, going outside and meeting other people is gross. But in this case, necessary. In post-grad adult life, there can be fewer built-in chances to socialize. But there are plenty of opportunities to make friends as an adult, you just have to know where to find them. Start by making a list of your favorite things to do or talk about. Regardless of what you've written down, there's likely an online or in-person social experience you can turn to — rec sports league, place of worship, book club — that fits the bill.

If you're going through a big life change, try to connect with other people going through the same ups and downs as you. Who understands the challenge of new parenthood better than other new parents? Find an alumni group in your city, or heck, head to a town hall meeting. 

Sociology experts have some advice to banish anxiety about looking foolish or being rejected when making friends: Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you be weirded out if someone you knew said they wanted to be your friend? Probably not. It only seems odd because people don't do it as much as they likely want to. 

The same goes for situations where you've fallen out of touch. People often underestimate how much their friends and old acquaintances appreciate hearing from them, a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found. So make the call or send that text. It doesn't have to be fancy — "I was thinking about you" or "How are you?" will do.

Yes, it takes effort, but there are ways to make it easier. What if you made a list of all the people you care about and occasionally checked it to see when you last connected? Would you feel like a serial killer? A friendship Santa? A serial killer Santa? Again, this fantasy that everyone you care about will always be in your immediate orbit is a falsehood fed to you by streaming shows. If you need to keep a list, keep a list. 

Relationships where your efforts aren't reciprocated — or worse, are taken advantage of — can take a mental and physical toll. Whether it's with a friend, a family member or a significant other, learning how to effectively set some boundaries can actually make your bonds stronger and help you avoid burnout.

"Start with your feelings," advised therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab. Understanding what triggers your frustration and resentment can be the first step in figuring out how and when to say no. If you have trouble saying it, try to debunk the narrative you're telling yourself that makes you think you can't — it's rarely true, Tawwab added.

On the other hand, you don't need to fix every friendship. If the situation is too toxic, don't ignore the red flags — it's OK to walk away. Marisa Franco, a psychologist and friendship expert, offers advice on how to know when to when to head for the exit. "If your friend isn't rooting for your success, bullies you, is inconsiderate, or you feel drained or misunderstood by them … it might be time to end instead of mend," she said.

Listen: "The Happiness Lab With Dr. Laurie Santos: The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult" — This podcast episode takes a scientific look at loneliness, and will give you a lot of motivation (and comfort) if you're feeling down about your friendship sitch.

Listen: "Margins of Error: The Mysterious Disappearance of Love, Sex and Romance" — Since almost all of the advice here can apply to — you guessed it — romantic relationships as well, check out this episode of CNN Senior Data Reporter Harry Enten's podcast, in which he concludes that romance isn't dead. It just looks a little different these days. 

Join an online group for one of your special interests. If you're already in one, up your participation. For extra credit, reach out to someone you like whom you haven't talked to in a while. Tell them you got the idea from a newsletter, if you have to. 

Ask yourself: When do I feel the most appreciated as a friend? How can I make others feel that way?

Questions? Feedback? Songs of praise? Message the Life, But Better team at adulting@cnn.com. Most of us are adults, after all.