Why breaking up with a parent is sometimes the right choice |
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Matthew McConaughey recently revealed that he didn't speak to his mother for eight years, after he realised he couldn't trust her with his privacy. The actor said in an interview that he made the decision to take a break from contact with his mum, Kathleen 'Kay' McConaughey, after he discovered she was leaking stories about him to the press. "We had about an eight-year period where I had to have short conversations with her on our Sunday phone calls because she was sharing a lot of that information," he said. "I'd tell her something on Sunday between son and mom, and Tuesday I'd read about it in the news or see it in the local paper. She couldn't help herself." And he said that it took him eight years to get "stable enough with my own position and fame that I was like, 'You know what? My mom can say whatever the hell she wants". And now? "It's much more fun now... I'd say we're closer now." Reading Helen Coffey's excellent piece about estranged children – in which she talks to people who have gone 'no contact' with their parents, for all sorts of reasons – made me think of the opening lines of Philip Larkin's poem, This Be The Verse: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. / They may not mean to, but they do." It also reminded me of a book I've recently begun reading, called Nightshade Mother: A Disentangling, by Gwyneth Lewis – the inaugural National Poet of Wales and the composer of the six-foot-high words on the front of the Wales Millennium Centre (if you've ever been to Cardiff Bay, you'll know them). In her brave and shocking memoir, Gwyneth tells of the emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of her late mother, Eryl, writing: "The best clue I have now about how ostracisation feels for a child is the recurring nightmares I still experience as an adult. I've fallen out of favour with the person I love most in the world and without whom, I can't survive. My existence is at stake and I'm hyperventilating with dread. I accept fully that I no longer deserve this person's love, but I'm at a complete loss about how to regain it. Living without that love is unbearable." She also recounts some shocking research which came out in 2023, which showed that shouting at children can be as damaging as physical or sexual abuse. I know a couple of people who have chosen to break ties with their families – one didn't speak to a parent for a decade, while another lives hours from hers, receives no support (which is not the case for her siblings) and sticks to a simple, single text message at Christmas and on birthdays. Other friends need to cry and decompress after each visit 'home', because it causes them so much distress. I also know of people estranged from a relative for decades, because they can't forgive or forget the pain they caused them as children. But while it's sad – and it is, truly, sad – I've never been a big believer in "blood being thicker than water". I think, conversely, that family is a twist of circumstance – that you are born wherever you are born, to whoever you happen to be born to. There is no fate or fortune to it – you are simply lucky if you happen to be born into a loving family or an environment free of harm (or war). Children born to parents in Gaza know that only too well. I also strongly believe that being loyal to your blood family out of duty or obligation isn't necessarily the best option for you if that family is abusive or makes you feel small. You have to earn the bond of family – and you have to work on keeping that bond tight and strong, over and over, for the rest of your life. I have friends I consider my 'chosen family' and who I speak to every single day; who I'd put in my will without a second thought; who have loved me far more fiercely and in a far more involved way than some distant relatives. What are your thoughts on family ties and estrangement? Do you think it is an abomination to cut off the people who raised you – that you should make that sacrifice to be in their lives, no matter what? Have you ever lost contact with a family member? I'd love to hear from you. You can write to me directly at victoria.richards@independent.co.uk – or to my alter-ego, 'Dear Vix', at dearvix@independent.co.uk. For some interesting reader views on family estrangement – including the emotional statement "life is 100 per cent better without her" – check out our round-up, here. |
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The new 'unusual' side effect of weight-loss drugs |
I'm willing to bet we all know someone on Ozempic, Wegovy or Mounjaro. I've done accidental double-takes on the school run, after not seeing someone for a couple of months, struggling to place why they look so different – before seeing them post online about their incredible weight-loss journey. I've read heart-aching testimonials on Facebook from old school friends defending their choices, saying things like: "I don't usually feel comfortable sharing stuff on here, but I'm on Mounjaro and am 3.5 stone down" – or, "There is still a stigma attached to it, and many people don't want to admit to being on it." I've also seen people seemingly feel they need to justify or explain why they chose to take the jabs, saying: "Sometimes people need a bit of help to achieve something," and pointing out that it still takes enormous effort and willpower – that they feel "proud" of themselves and "amazing" for it. I've also read thoughtful and poignant testimonials from women in mid-life who say that trying to "drown out the noise" around weight-loss drugs, for them, is an exhausting daily battle. "In just a few years, thanks to the advent of these drugs, the body image volume in my head has been turned up to 11," writes Sam Baker. "If, like me, you've battled your entire adult life and then some, to keep the body image chatter at bay, this all represents a major setback." My colleague Charlotte Cripps wrote of her "insane" journey on Semaglutide: "Thank God I've stopped microdosing Ozempic – counting the clicks is no way to live." Whether we choose to use them or not, we likely all have opinions about jabs – it's hard not to, when they're becoming increasingly commonplace. GLP-1 drugs can, quite literally, change lives. But it's also vital that we keep abreast of the latest information about them and carefully study new research that might give us pause before taking them. And that's why I was so interested to read this... |
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More for Independent Women |
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Your views... and the Independent Women poll |
Last week, I conducted my very first Independent Women poll, because I wanted to ask your thoughts on the comments made by Channel 4 TV star The Supervet Noel Fitzpatrick, who said in an interview: "I'm 57, and I would love to meet somebody between 30 and 40 and have a kid. Or a couple of kids... I was never properly, emotionally ready, until recently." Here's what you thought: Yes, 57 is too old to have kids – 75% It depends on circumstances (health, support, etc.) – 8% No, age doesn't matter – 17% For this week's poll, I'd love to suss out your feelings on estranged families. Click here to tell me: Should you ever cut ties with a family member? I also received this lovely email from Jennipher Dallas-Jobe in America, encouraging us all to speak out and fight the good fight for feminism: "I'm an American woman. The dim picture of dwindling women's rights in America is all too accurate. Thank you for this article and please continue to shine a light on these issues! People turn a blind eye to things that are not pleasant. However, they are important, no matter how much men do not want them to addressed." |
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I'm reading... Anything and everything by one of my all-time favourite authors, Emma Jane Unsworth. I met Emma at the Women's Prize in June this year – and she was as delightful in person as she is on the page. I hoovered up Slags while away with friends in Portugal and have been working my way through her back catalogue ever since. This month, I devoured both Adults and Animals – which, despite their shocking and electric depictions of hard drugs, hard sex, hard booze and bad behaviour, are among the rawest, most honest and most riotous, laugh-out-loud-funny love stories to female friendship I've ever read. I loved them. I've just ordered Emma's memoir, After the Storm: Postnatal Depression and the Utter Weirdness of New Motherhood – and can't wait to tell you what I think of it in a forthcoming edition of this newsletter. |
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