Why don't men say 'I love you'?

Why don't men say 'I love you'?

Just a short newsletter from me this week – as I'm away for half-term skiing (yes, I'm a born-again skier…) – but before I go, I just wanted to reflect on a fascinating and poignant piece I read this week on male friendship: 'We met a year ago. Now we say "I love you" to each other

In a perfectly timed and moving piece for Valentine's Day, research from mental health charity Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) shows that over half of men have never said 'I love you' to a mate. Tom Stroud breaks that taboo by talking to Radhika Sanghani about his 'beautiful friendship' with his friend and business partner, Dan Shrigley.

Tom says: 'Growing up, I had an absent father who wasn't around for me, and male role models who were supposed to care for me but weren't able to do that. My mum raised me alone, and she was amazing, but it created a difficult environment for me to trust men in my childhood and teenage years – and it took me a long time to make male friends. It took me even longer to make friends I could really open up around and be vulnerable with. Friends like Dan.'

He adds: 'Dan and I said "I love you" to each other a couple of months ago, and it was the first time we said it. It felt really lovely. We were having a moment of looking back at all that we've achieved together and were like, "I f****** love you, man". It was a really beautiful moment.'

I've noticed this in my children – at primary school, before they learned, sadly, to become self-conscious and worried about being teased – my son and his friends used to say openly that they loved each other (they also held hands). As they've grown older, they've stopped being so affectionately carefree – and adult male friends of mine tell me they, too, find it awkward and 'cringe' to express how much they care about each other. By contrast, my female friends and I give each other long hugs and kisses and say 'I love you' in both messages and in person almost every time we meet. Reading this piece gave me hope this week that, as we open up conversations around male mental health, we can break down this socialised stigma and self-consciousness and encourage the men in our lives to be open with their hearts, too.

Click here to read more… and I'll be back next week with more from your favourite newsletter, so do have a great and happy half-term. I'm heading away smiling, having had the good fortune to enjoy a very romantic weekend (the lights! the water! the rain!) listening to live jazz at St Katharine Docks in Wapping, as part of the new St Kat's Sessions featuring the incredible Olivia Swann. Do check her – and her forthcoming residency – out.

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You can write to me about anything you like – I'd love to hear from you. I'll feature some of the emails sent in, alongside guest pieces from writers who want to have their say. Send it straight to me at victoria.richards@independent.co.uk.

Or, if you want advice on love, work, family and relationships, email me at dearvix@independent.co.uk.

I just can't cope with the school holidays – I find them so stressful! I have to juggle them all by myself because my partner has a job where he has to be in the office, whereas I work remotely and from home. Except: I can hardly work at all, because the kids are such a handful.

Not only are the holidays too expensive to go anywhere fun – (flying abroad? Forget it )– but all the museums, play centres, parks and cinemas near us are crowded and overwhelming and unbearable. The kids get bored quickly and I feel guilty if I don't take them out or plan something fun for them to do, every day. I feel bad that they end up slobbing around in front of the TV while I'm trying to have meetings with my team on Zoom – and worry that when their teacher asks them at the start of school what everybody did during half-term, mine will say "nothing" – while their classmates were away skiing, or somewhere even more exotic.

Meanwhile, I'm conscious that work probably judges me for getting interrupted when we're on a call by a crying child or a demand for "snacks" – my younger colleagues are all in the office, while every half-term I have to WFH. I also have to lie to my boss and take sneaky breaks while I'm at home, to entertain the kids and take them out for a bit – or at least sit in the same room as them.

We don't have childcare support or family anywhere nearby so it invariably falls to me to juggle both work and the kids – it doesn't even seem to occur to my partner to take time off (I think he'd much rather take holiday when the kids are at school so he can actually relax!). And I can't take every half-term off, because I need to save my allowance for the long, six-week summer break. I'm already dreading it.

I know this won't last forever and I will look back and miss them when they are old enough not to need me at school holidays. But why does it have to be so hard?

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